Many people choose, when they get divorced, to reassess their views on life, their personal priorities and their ways of relating to other people. There is no shortgage of self-help books to guide you in that undertaking. But, I have often found that the best way to learn new skills and habits is to first see how great people (e.g. leaders, thinkers, artists, writers, philosophers that you admire) have lived their lives.
Jacob Abbott, in his classic autobiography of Alexander the Great, made a wonderful list of Alexander’s personality traits that allowed such a young man (Alexander was only 20 when he assumed the throne of Macedononia and a mere 32 years old when he died after having conquered much of the known world at that time) to rise, so quickly, to greatness.
These Keys to Greatness — or personality traits, habits, mannerisms and relationship skills, are:
Being full of ardour (feelings of great warmth, intensity) and enthusiasm for all you do
Being calm, collected and considerate in emergencies requiring caution
Being thoughtful and farseeing regarding consequences of your actions
Being able to form strong personal attachments
Being finely formed in physical attributes
Being prepossessing (to make a positive impression on someone beforehand) in manners
Many divorce clients are looking for ways to restructure their finances so that they can move on with their lives with a clean financial slate. In this economy, that is tough going. From what I have seen, loan modification applications get “lost” more than is statistically appropriate and there is little chance of being forgiven or renegotiating just about anything when it comes to banks. In other words, “Bank Wins” is the norm. I could not have expressed what is going on in the world of bank loan remodifications better than the following article. See the link below for a great article to read in case you are thinking about a divorce which is based, in part, on some type of refinance/loan modification on your upside-down residence:
Lost your job? Unexpected HIGH expense? Unless you have a good nest egg put away for a rainy day, you might be scrambling for funds to cover unexpected expenses, and your IRA might be a place to look for that needed cash.
Are you aware that funds withdrawn from an IRA are taxable, and if you are under 59-1/2, you will pay a federal penalty of 10% and possibly a state penalty too?
Withdrawing funds early from your IRA will affect your standard of living when you retire. We hope that you never have to do that, but if you do, here are a few ways to beat the early-withdrawal penalty. (Of course, you still need to deal with the IRS and income taxes – no way to get around that)
· Annuitize: Under IRC Sec. 72(t) you can avoid penalties by taking a series of substantially equal periodic payments until you are 59-1/2 (but not less than five years). To estimate how much you can withdraw each year, use the 72(t) calculator at Bankrate.com (See::http://www.bankrate.com/calculators/retirement/72-t-distribution-calculator.aspx
· Buy a Home: If you have been renting, had alternative living arrangements, and have not owned a home for at least two years, you can withdraw up to $10,000 to buy a house in your name or in the name of a spouse, child or grandchild.
· Pay for Education: You can go back to school, or withdraw funds for college tuition and related expenses (books, materials, fees) for your spouse, children or grandchildren. Be aware that certain income limits apply.
· Cover Medical Expenses: If your medical expenses (for you, your spouse or dependant) exceeds 75% of your income, you can withdraw from your IRA penalty-free.
· Pay Medical Insurance Premiums:If you have been unemployed for at least twelve (12) weeks, and receive unemployment compensation, you are eligible to withdraw funds to pay for your medical insurance premiums.
· Pay Back Taxes to the IRS:If the IRS has placed a levy against your IRA, you can withdraw funds to pay the back taxes.
· Disability:If you are “totally and permanently disabled” by IRS definition, you can take distributions from your IRA without penalty.
· Death: Did you know that when you die, your beneficiaries must begin taking distributions from your IRA, and there will be no penalty to them.
This blog is written based on my observations and experience. I am and not a CPA, tax planner or tax attorney. I am a mediator and former family law attorney. All data and information provided on this site is for informational purposes only. wpthemesplugin.com makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information on this site and will not be liable for any errors, omissions, or delays in this information or any losses, injuries, or damages arising from its display or use. All information is provided on an as-is basis.
There can be good news a about divorce! Did you know that if your marriage lasted at least ten years, you can claim social security benefits on the entire earnings history of your ex-spouse?
Here are a few important qualifiers you need know:
You must be unmarried. If you remarry, you cannot collect benefits on your former spouse’s record until your later marriage ends (whether by death, divorce or annulment).
You must be 62 years old or older.
Your ex-spouse must, him or herself, be entitled to Social Security retirement or disability benefits.
Your own personal social security benefit, based on your own work, must be less than the benefit you would receive based on your ex-spouse’s work.
It’s an either-or situation – you’ll get your own Social Security benefits, or one-half of your ex-spouses benefits (“derivative benefits”), whichever is greater. Of course, the amount of benefits you get has no effect on the amount of benefits your ex-spouse or their current spouse may receive. (Their benefits are not reduced because you get ½ of your ex-spouse’s benefits!)
How you ask? Below are a few answers to questions you may have:
1. How many ex-spouse’s can claim derivative benefits? As many ex’s as there are, as long as each marriage lasted 10 years. Mickey Rooney’s seven ex-wives got left out since none of the marriages lasted more than 10 years, but three of Johnny Carson’s marriages lasted over 10 years and all his ex’s were eligible for benefits.
2. If my ex-spouse dies, do my derivative benefits end? This has good news and bad news. The bad news: If he/she dies, the derivative benefit ends. The good news is that now you can collect survivor benefits, which are 100% of his benefits, not just 50%.
3. Can I receive both public employee benefits and social security? Under the Windfall Elimination Provision (WEP), benefits received from a non-Social Security covered job (teacher or other civil service job) may cause Social Security benefits to be reduced by several hundred dollars. The Government Pension Offset (GPO) applies to derivative benefits, which will be reduced by 2/3 of the pension benefits received by an employee from a job not covered by social security. (This is where you really need to talk with a knowledgeable representative at the Social Security Administration.)
4. Can I receive benefits on my ex-spouse if he/she has not yet filed for benefits?
If your ex-spouse has not applied for retirement benefits, but can qualify for them, you can receive benefits on his or her record if you have been divorced for at least two years.
As in any case where government benefits are involved, these rules are subject to change. So, when you are ready to claim social security benefits, be sure to let the Social Security Administration know that you were married for more than ten years, and be prepared to furnish your ex-spouse’s full name and social security number.
The Social Security Administration will be able to calculate what benefits will give you the highest monthly payment, and will recalculate those benefits if your ex-spouse dies while you are collecting benefits.
For more information visit the page “If You Are Divorced” at the Social Security Administration’s website.
All data and information provided on this site is for informational purposes only. Graine Mediation and its owner, Robin Graine, make no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information on this site and will not be liable for any errors, omissions, or delays in this information or any losses, injuries, or damages arising from its display or use. All information is provided on an as-is basis.
It seems that, across the world and overtime, men (more than women) value physical attractiveness in a long-term mate. Women, on the other hand, tend to value good financial prospects. Neither of these preferences are wrong, but nor are they right. They simply “are” and, to prove it, good money has been spent on university studies to make sure what we already know is supported by expensive data.
Aside from these most basic desires, there are actually heartwarming similarities that both men and women rate as important characteristics in a mate.
Both men and women place a high value on “pleasing disposition” and “emotional stability”. These are characteristics that make for good mates, nurturing and attentive parents, and fine upstanding members of the community. These characteristics outlive most people’s good looks and usually stick around even if the money runs out.
So, like your mother told you: “Be nice, think before you speak, and use your manners.” As for emotional stability, that is usually the result of good genes, good parenting, and, often times, a good therapist!
Listen to your mother, too, when it comes to choosing your bride or groom or, at least find some smart person whom you can trust to help you in this most important decision (especially if you have children involved or this is your second or third marriage!). You need someone who is not blinded by the starry-eyed-fairy-dust of new love to help you balance what is really important to you in a mate.
Everyone reacts differently to divorce. Most people, however, go through similar stages, much like grief. Just like after the death of a loved one, it is common to move back and forth between the stages. The tough part for the divorce mediator is that client-couples are rarely in the same stage at the same time.
When one party is ready to “get down to business”, while the other party is an emotional mess, it is the mediators job to slow the “ready” party down and allow the other party to catch up a little bit. It is important for both the husband and the wife to be able to keep up with the facts, information, proposals, etc., and to make sure that they are not too emotionally unstable to negotiate effectively.
Liar, liar pants on . . . pants off? Just how much cheating is going on these days in the United States? I have seen statistics everywhere from 25-60% of married individuals having engaged in or being immersed in a life rife with extramarital affairs. The statistics are all over the board because, of course, not everyone raises their hand when asked if they “did it” with someone other than their spouse. Even at 25%, though, this is a big number. Having spent years in the divorce business, though, I’m not surprised. I can tell you from experience that I could play country music in my office lobby and at least half my clients would feel that they were singing about them!
Who are these cheaters and what factors lead to this disruptive act? Many experts believe it is not so much the individual’s character but is, instead, a natural instinct. For men, it makes biological sense. For women, I’m not so sure, but who knows? Most experts say, for the philandering-woman, she sleeps with other men because she is looking for “emotional” support where there is none at home. When it gets right down to it, though, men also play around to get attention when their wives are too busy with all of the details of life and work and mommy-ing to give the attention and affection those men need. Everyone seems to be looking for love – in all the wrong places!
Many experts believe that the only reason the statistics aren’t higher is because some married individuals are simply never presented with the opportunity to cheat! Some of the factors inhibiting the animal in all of us are:
• how much free time you have out of the sight of your spouse;
• the number of members of the opposite sex that you run into each day;
• your bond to your spouse (that’s the best one),
• whether you have a vast wealth of moral character; and
• where you fit in on the scale of ugliness and charm!
Photo Taken by Lars T Schlereth
If you are thinking about “putting your boots under the wrong bed”, get a divorce first. Otherwise, you are will end up being the “bad guy” or “bad girl” even if your heart felt it had no choice. Talk with your spouse. Get some therapy. Or, suffer the consequences. Divorce is tough and no divorce is tougher than when adultery is the big angry elephant in the room.
With the tough current ecomonic times, many couples who are planning for a divorce are making the choice to remain under the same roof, in the marital residence, during their legally-mandated period of pre-divorce separation. This is probably not what the Virginia legislature intended when they wrote the law about living “separate and apart” before divorce, but this is where we are at in these shaky financial times and the courts have found themselves having to creatively define what “separate and apart” means.
In Virginia, the law states that, before being granted a no-fault divorce, parties must“live separate and apart, without cohabitation and without interruption, for one year”. If there are no minor children, and if the parties have a written and signed settlement agreement, their period of living separate and apart is just six months.
The reason for the one-year separation rule is public policy: The state wants married couples with children to be absolutely sure that divorce is what is best for their family. In order to determine that, the legislature has forced families to go through all of the holidays, birthdays, seasons, etc. before they are even allowed to make that final decision to divorce. Living under the same roof does not truly meet those public policy mandates, but if that is what you plan on doing (and many peope do, these days), here are some guidelines that may help you in determining how to live separate and apart while under the same roof:
One spouse should deliver a formal letter to the other stating the intention to live separate and apart as of a certain date.*
To establish separate households, you should not engage in the following activites:
Sexual Relations
Sharing of Food (keep food separate in pantry and refrigerator)
Sharing a Room
Shopping and Cooking for each other
Cleaning Up or doing each other’s Laundry
Giving Gifts to each other
Attending (arriving at) Social or Family Functions Together
Holding Yourselves Out as a Married Couple
Spouses should separate and secure Computer, Phones and Email Accounts*
Spouses should consider dividing Bank Accounts (close joint accounts)*
Spouses should consider paying off and closing Joint Credit Cards*
Spouses need to Agree On Division Of:
Household Expenses
Household Duties
Living Arrangements
Childcare
Other tips:
Let others know you are separated
Choose a friend of famly member, who visits frequently, as your independent witness. In Virginia, you will need someone to testify as to your living separate and apart.
Be prepared to explain, in a way that is comfortable for you, the reasons for living separately in the same residence to your family, friends, neighbors and children.
*These are bold pre-divorce financial moves that should not be attempted without the advice of legal counsel.
This article is not intended to take the place for legal advice from an attorney. This blog is for informaitonal purposes only and is not legal advice.
Source: From Virginia State Bar, Family Law News – Fall 2010 (Vol.30 No.3) with personalized comments and suggestions by the blogger, Robin Graine
Posted by Graine Mediation 
