Through my divorce mediation practice, I have witnessed many things that signal big trouble or the end of a marriage, other than the typical affair. When you work with married couples every day, you see the same disturbed relationship and communication patterns over and over again. Marriages die on the vine as a result.
Here are some of the key signs of a marriage on its way out:
- When you no longer truly care whether or not you’re making your spouse happy. When we get married, most of us find great joy in making our significant other happy. In fact, it’s generally one of our primary goals. When that desire is no longer there, most likely, neither is the love that brought you together.
- Complete exhaustion dealing with your spouse when your relationships with other people seems so easy. Do you find that even the thought of having a conversation with your spouse is exhausting? Sure, you dealt with 15 issues at work today with no problem. But, the thought of discussing who will run to the grocery store with your spouse seems daunting.
- Feeling anxiety or impending doom when you’re headed home from work to see your spouse. After a long, stressful day at work you just want to go home and seek reprieve. However, instead of looking forward to being comforted by your spouse’s embrace, the thought of that actually increases your anxiety and you dread dealing with them both physically and emotionally.
- Dread going to social events with your spouse. Your close friend or relative is getting married and as much as you’re looking forward to the blessed event, you are dreading having to go and spend hours of time looking “happy” with your spouse. You’d rather go alone or stay home than put up a front.
- Finding excuses to stay away from home when you know your spouse will be there. When you know your spouse is at home, you suddenly come up with numerous errands to run and things you need to do that are anywhere but….home.
- Simple communication becomes nearly impossible. Communication is key in any relationship. Chances are you didn’t make it to the alter if you didn’t have some semblance of decent communication with your spouse. However, you are now at a point where the two of you can’t say “good morning” without getting into a fight. Maybe you are feeling stonewalled, shut down, and not given the opportunity to express your view. Maybe one of you is using angry words that instantly puts the other on the defense. There are innumerable communication pits people can fall into. But, if you find yourself in one and don’t do anything about it to get back on track, it can be the beginning of the end.
- You come at issues from opposing sides instead of working as a team. Working as a team is essential in a marriage. That’s one of the main reasons to get married; to “do life” with a partner. At some point in the marriage, a couple may find themselves pitted against each other and coming at what were once mutual goals, from opposing sides. They may be viewing the other as a competitor instead of a partner.
- Irretrievable resentment towards your spouse. Resentment is something that grows over time. It grows slowly, but once it’s established, it is very difficult to eradicate. It’s so important to communicate to your spouse things you are having an issue with before it gets to this point. Additionally, once negative, resentful things are said to your spouse, it is almost impossible for him or her to erase those hurtful things from their mind, causing even more resentment.
By Erin J. Koffman, Attorney & Virginia Supreme Court Certified Mediator
Fairfax VA Divorce Mediator 