Alone Doesn’t Mean Lonely

September 24, 2013

women-laughing

In an interview with author Eric Klinenberg in Smithsonian Magazine, he answers questions relating to the research and writing of his book Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone. It’s primarily sociological, anthropological, and statistical analyses, but it can reveal something very personal and give hope to those striking out on their own.

While Klinenberg cites several reasons for the rise in single-living, a germane one to this conversation is that it’s no longer economically necessary for women to marry (or stay married). Salary equality is slowly becoming attainable, and the idea of being supported by a man is as antiquated as the notion that every woman wants to be a housewife. While there are plenty of concerns in getting divorced, don’t let the “will I be lonely?” one keep you from moving forward.

“In fact, people who live alone tend to spend more time socializing with friends and neighbors than people who are married. So one thing I learned is that living alone is not an entirely solitary experience. It’s generally a quite social one,” Klinenberg states. It’s more common to find single-person households in large cities because of the social opportunities inherent within. If your friends, work, and activities are all within a commutable area, it makes it much easier to find yourself out of your house and into your social life. Sometimes this might mean staying in your current location where you already have a support network, but if you do not, consider moving to an urban environment where living alone is more prevalent.

When you’re in an urban area, the opportunities for a single person seem to be much greater. There is a wealth of solo activities, such as world class museums, parks, and recreational classes. Your options for finding a salsa partner (and even learning how to dance the salsa!) are much better in a city than out in a rural environment. But if you’re content living more removed from society, don’t fret. The rise in technology means that it’s easier than ever to keep in touch with families and friends. Consider setting Skype dates with a best friend so you have a special time together to look forward to.

Just remember: the end of your marriage does not mean the end of your social life. You are still fabulous as a single.

Posted by Jane Baber, Mediation Assistant

This blog and its materials have been prepared by Graine Mediation for informational purposes only and are not intended to be, are not, and should not be regarded as, legal advice.  This information is not intended to create, and receipt of it does not constitute, an attorney-client relationship.  Internet subscribers and online readers should not act upon this information without seeking professional counsel.


Fear of Loneliness? Don’t Worry. You’ll Be Fine

October 15, 2012

Fear of loneliness is one of the biggest factors that prevents unhappily married people from moving on with their lives  and taking the big plunge – divorce. Though I don’t advocate divorce as a cure all for unhappiness (especially when there are children involved), it is sometimes the right thing to do.  When that is the case, fear of loneliness need not prevent you from doing so.  Don’t take my word for it, though.  Taking the plunge into solo living is supported by the first fully researched book that I am aware of on this topic, by Eric Klinenburg, an NYU Sociology Professor.

Prof. Klinenberg has done extensive research into the US’s exploding single population and, despite what many people believe, he has found that being single is often much sweeter than expected. In his book, “Going Solo”, Prof. Klinenberg implodes the myths of the sad and lonely spinster, the lost middle aged divorcé and the loveless widow and widower. After all, with one in seven adults in the US living the single life, could that many people possibly be miserable?  “No”, says Prof. Klinenberg, as he explores “how solo living is exploding and becoming less stigmatized, how it’s a privilege as well as a liability and how, at certain points in our modern lives, living alone may very well be the more desirable state.” (Quote from the New York Times interview of Prof. Klinenberg “America: Single and Loving It” (2/10/12))

http://ow.ly/i/11ztt


“Happily Ever, After We Split” –An Uplifting Article About Divorce? A Definite Must-Read.

August 5, 2012

Boy with parents.

       Divorce can be scary. Especially, when contemplating whether or not to take that leap. The best analogy I heard, when faced with that very decision, is this: it’s like a cat that falls from a window, from way up high. At first, it arches its back and scrunches its face, adjusting to the pain and taking an inventory of the damage. But then, like a cat that always lands on its feet, after the initial impact, most people look around and realize: I am going to be just fine; there’s a big new world all around me, just waiting to be what I make of it.

       I like that. A lot. To be honest, hearing that very analogy was one of the final pieces I needed before taking that leap on my own. And now, nearly two years later, there’s no doubt that, for my ex-husband and me, divorce was the right decision. In fact, my ex, and son’s father, is the very person who clipped and mailed to me the article I want to share with you.

       Only now, post-divorce, are my ex and I able to enjoy together (with our son, of course), long lunches filled with laughter, and exciting road trips to the National Aquarium – just like back when we were dating. Well, kind of. The big difference, is that now we know how our story as a couple ends. Still, we both couldn’t be happier with our current “relationship” (as exes and co-parents).

       Don’t get me wrong. A) I would certainly never advocate for divorce…at least not indiscriminately. Anyone who’s been through one, knows the process can feel a whole lot like Hell on Earth.  And, B) without a doubt, I’m a true romantic, a true believer. I wish to holy heaven that my union of matrimony had turned out to be the real deal: a joyful, enriching companionship, enduring forever and ever. Unfortunately, my marriage most certainly did not. And yet, I sense that my ex and I will nonetheless share an enduring, enriching, and even joyful companionship. It’s just that, it looks absolutely nothing like how I would have planned or expected it.

      Everyone knows our national statistic. The divorce rate hovers somewhere around 50%. The point is, as a society, maybe we need to reevaluate our expectations of marriage. And, until we stop getting divorced with such frequency, maybe we should consider learning how to divorce with a whole lot more civility.

       Wendy Paris, the author of The New York Times article, “Happily Ever, After We Split” tells a wonderful anecdote with commentary, exactly to that effect. Enjoy!

Posted by Maggie Fox Dierker, Esq.


Keys to Greatness

January 13, 2012

Many people choose, when they get divorced, to reassess their views on life, their personal priorities and their ways of relating to other people. There is no shortgage of self-help books to guide you in that undertaking.  But, I have often found  that the best way to learn new skills and habits is to first see how great people (e.g. leaders, thinkers, artists, writers, philosophers that you admire)  have lived their lives. 

Jacob Abbott, in his classic autobiography of Alexander the Great, made a wonderful list of Alexander’s personality traits that allowed such a young man (Alexander was only 20 when he assumed the throne of Macedononia and a mere 32 years old when he died after having conquered much of the known world at that time) to rise, so quickly, to greatness.

These Keys to Greatness — or personality traits, habits, mannerisms and relationship skills, are:

  • Being full of ardour (feelings of great warmth, intensity) and enthusiasm for all you do
  • Being calm, collected and considerate in emergencies requiring caution
  • Being thoughtful and farseeing regarding consequences of your actions
  • Being able to form strong personal attachments
  • Being finely formed in physical attributes
  • Being prepossessing (to make a positive impression on someone beforehand) in manners
  • Being athletic and active
  • Being grateful for all kindnesses shown you
  • Being considerate of other people’s feelings
  • Being faithful to friends
  • Being generous toward foes

I guess nice guys don’t always finish last. 🙂


What Men and Women Look for in A Long-Term Mate

November 27, 2011

It seems that, across the world and overtime, men (more than women) value physical attractiveness in a long-term mate. Women, on the other hand, tend to value good financial prospects. Neither of these preferences are wrong, but nor are they right. They simply “are” and, to prove it, good money has been spent on university studies to make sure what we already know is supported by expensive data.
Aside from these most basic desires, there are actually heartwarming similarities that both men and women rate as important characteristics in a mate.

Both men and women place a high value on “pleasing disposition” and “emotional stability”. These are characteristics that make for good mates, nurturing and attentive parents, and fine upstanding members of the community. These characteristics outlive most people’s good looks and usually stick around even if the money runs out.

So, like your mother told you: “Be nice, think before you speak, and use your manners.” As for emotional stability, that is usually the result of good genes, good parenting, and, often times, a good therapist!

Listen to your mother, too, when it comes to choosing your bride or groom or, at least find some smart person whom you can trust to help you in this most important decision (especially if you have children involved or this is your second or third marriage!). You need someone who is not blinded by the starry-eyed-fairy-dust of new love to help you balance what is really important to you in a mate.


The Emotional Stages of Divorce

November 22, 2011

Everyone reacts differently to divorce. Most people, however, go through similar stages, much like grief. Just like after the death of a loved one, it is common to move back and forth between the stages. The tough part for the divorce mediator is that client-couples are rarely in the same stage at the same time.
When one party is ready to “get down to business”, while the other party is an emotional mess, it is the mediators job to slow the “ready” party down and allow the other party to catch up a little bit. It is important for both the husband and the wife to be able to keep up with the facts, information, proposals, etc., and to make sure that they are not too emotionally unstable to negotiate effectively.

Cathy Meyer, About.com Divorce News Editor, lists 6 emotional stages of divorce:

• Denial
• Shock
• Rollercoaster
• Bargaining
• Letting go
• Acceptance

For more detail about each stage please visit her article http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/copingandemotialissue/f/stagesofgreif.htm


“Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?”

November 18, 2011

Liar, liar pants on . . . pants off?  Just how much cheating is going on these days in the United States?  I have seen statistics everywhere from 25-60% of married individuals having engaged in or being immersed in a life rife with extramarital affairs. The statistics are all over the board because, of course, not everyone raises their hand when asked if they “did it” with someone other than their spouse.  Even at 25%, though, this is a big number.  Having spent years in the divorce business, though, I’m not surprised. I can tell you from experience that I could play country music in my office lobby and at least half my clients would feel that they were singing about them!

Who are these cheaters and what factors lead to this disruptive act? Many experts believe it is not so much the individual’s character but is, instead, a natural instinct.  For men, it makes biological sense.  For women, I’m not so sure, but who knows? Most experts say, for the philandering-woman, she sleeps with other men because she is looking for “emotional” support where there is none at home. When it gets right down to it, though, men also play around to get attention when their wives are too busy with all of the details of life and work and mommy-ing to give the attention and affection those men need. Everyone seems to be looking for love – in all the wrong places!

Many experts believe that the only reason the statistics aren’t higher is because some married individuals are simply never presented with the opportunity to cheat!  Some of the factors inhibiting the animal in all of us are:

    • how much free time you have out of the sight of your spouse;

    • the number of members of the opposite sex that you run into each day;

    • your bond to your spouse (that’s the best one),

    • whether you have a vast wealth of moral character; and

    • where you fit in on the scale of ugliness and charm!

Photo Taken by Lars T Schlereth

If you are thinking about “putting your boots under the wrong bed”, get a divorce first.  Otherwise, you are will end up being the “bad guy” or “bad girl” even if your heart felt it had no choice.  Talk with your spouse.  Get some therapy.  Or, suffer the consequences.  Divorce is tough and no divorce is tougher than when adultery is the big angry elephant in the room.


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