As a certified divorce mediator and a former divorce attorney, I’ve worked with hundreds of couples over 13 years in family law who were filing for divorce. Here’s what I hear from clients — over and over again – as the key reasons for the break-up of their marriage. I call them the 3 A’s:
Lack of Affection. Though cliché, it’s true: When baby makes three, both parents are often consumed with showering their new baby with the most affection possible. As the child grows, couples forget to smooch their spouses, too.
Lack of Attention. Couples often feel ignored in their roles as spouses, parents and, often times, human beings! It’s no secret that jobs, child-rearing, in-laws, financial worries and responsibilities of running a home eat up your time and energy. If you want to save your marriage, though, start by giving your spouse the focus that or she deserves and needs. Be intuitive, remember what your husband or wife needed back when you were dating, and try and give him or her that level of attention that you, too, need in order to feel secure in your relationship.
Lack of Appreciation. This is perhaps the biggest contributing factor in the divorcing clients that I work with — I hear it, in one form or another, from every set of mediation clients that I encounter. In many cases, women feel they do the lion’s share of the homemaking. When the kids were born, they changed around their priorities. The husbands, or so I hear, didn’t change their everyday lives quite as drastically as did the wives. The husbands, often times, feel that they are not appreciated for their financial contributions and the actual time that they do spend with the children. Each resents the other for longer hours put in at work and chores, and forgets to thank the other partner for keeping the family enterprise afloat. One thing that helps? Parents need to divide and conquer the mundane tasks of everyday life. If mom is best at details, let her do the details: whether it’s party-planning or setting up that 509 for Junior. But dad needs to do the other stuff, like preparing taxes or working with the kitchen contractor. The key is quite simple: Work hard at appreciating what the other is doing and know that 50/50 is not always a practical goal to attain depending on each others’ personalities and priorities.
This blog and its materials have been prepared by Graine Mediation for informational purposes only and are not intended to be, are not, and should not be regarded as, legal advice. This information is not intended to create, and receipt of it does not constitute, an attorney-client relationship. Internet subscribers and online readers should not act upon this information without seeking professional counsel.
When discussing various parenting arrangements with clients and prospective clients, I have learned that most people who are in the midst of a divorce/separation, or are contemplating such an event, make similar mistakes when it comes to Virginia “custody terminology”.
Such vocabulary faux pas are hardly indicative of a parent’s heartfelt desire to spend time with his or her child. However, it is usually helpful to clients when they begin to get a handle on how the Commonwealth of Virginia goes about assigning labels in the context of divorce and co-parenting. (Co-parenting refers to any situation when two parents are raising a child, in two separate households, whether or not those parents were ever married).
Of course, your mediator or divorce lawyer should certainly be able to figure out what you mean – no matter how you phrase it – when it comes to your desires for your child’s future parenting arrangements. Not all mediators or divorce lawyers, however, do a good at explaining legal terminology. The same goes for clients’ ability to absorb and process information in such a stressful and confusing time.
As a result, I have seen plenty of post decree (after divorce) situations where basic misunderstandings of the custody terms in the parties’ Final Order of Divorce (aka Divorce Decree) kept them fighting about their child several years after their separation and divorce.
To help alleviate this unfortunate and rampant misinformation about various custody terms in Virginia child custody cases, here is my “Virginia Custody Dictionary.”
Legal Custody:
Determines which parent has the right to make major decisions concerning their child. Legal custody has nothing to do with where the child lives.
There are two types of Legal Custody:
(1) Joint Legal Custody –
Major decisions must be agreed to by the parents.
(2) Sole Legal Custody –
Major decisions need only be made by the parent who is granted Sole Legal Custody.
The term “Legal Custody” is not intuitive to most people and problems often arise, down the road from when the settlement agreement is signed/Court order is entered, over the parents’ often diametrically opposite interpretation of the term “major decisions”.
Mediators encourage clients to jointly define the term “major decisions,” as part of the settlement of the custody issues in their particular case, to help save them from possible trouble down the road.
On the other hand, divorce lawyers tend not to focus on crafting an agreed client-interpretation of the term “major decisions”. Instead, they leave it up to the Courts to decide, should there be a problem in the future, whether a decision made, or to be made, by a parent is, in fact, “major”. Ultimately, the Courts do have final decision-making power; but, a meeting of minds between parents is usually enough to end bitter battles before they start.
Examples of “Major Decisions” – Those decisions which are generally agreed by divorce lawyers and courts to be “major decisions”:
Which school the child will attend;
Whether the child will be required to undergo an elective medical procedure (e.g. plastic surgery on a scar);
Whether braces will be placed on a child’s teeth for purely cosmetic reasons;
Whether a child will be required to engage in psychotherapy;
Who will be the child’s substitute caretaker necessary for the parents to earn a living (known as “work related childcare”, aka WRCC); and
Choice of sleep-away camps.
Examples of “Gray Area Decisions” – Where decisions may or may not be considered “major”:
Which week or two-week long camp a child will attend in the summer (not sleep-away camps);
Which extracurricular activities a child will participate in during that parent’s custodial care time.
Whether a child will participate in a specialized academic program during school hours (remedial or enhanced learning);
Whether a child will participate in various in-school clubs, groups and activities;
Choice of classes (middle school and high school);
Choice of basic disciplinary techniques;
Choice of how much to give a child for allowance/spending money; and
Choice of vacation destinations with children (within reason);
Choice of children’s playmates.
Physical Custody:
Determines where the child will live and the amount of time the child will spend with each parent.
Physical custody pertains to which parent (sometimes both, sometimes only one) has the primary responsibility for the care and control of the child on a given day.
Day to day decisions, of a routine nature, are made by the parent with whom the child is being cared for on that day.
Sole Physical Custody:
In Sole Physical Custody situations, that parent is granted all (or almost all) of the custodial care rights and responsibilities for the child.
The other parent is not usually involved in day-in-and-day-out responsibilities that come with raising a child.
The other parent is usually permitted “visitation” with his or her child (except in cases where that parent would present a danger to the child);
In Virginia, even in cases where one of the parents is granted Sole Physical Custody, the other parent still has the legal right to review the child’s medical and academic records (with exceptions);
To add to the confusion, when calculating Virginia Child Support Guideline Obligations, the “regular” calculation is called the “Sole Child Support Calculation”. This poorly named calculation simply means that the non Primary Custodian cares for the children fewer than 91 days per year,2 even though the caretaking duties may clearly be shared between the parents.
Advocating for the denial of a parent to be involved in major decisions concerning his or her child is serious. It generally means that there is something very wrong with one or both of the parents’ ability to care for the child and/or use sound judgment when making decisions concerning the child.
In cases where one or both of the parents thinks that a child should have no or very little custodial care time with the other parent, it is often advisable that those parents litigate (hire a divorce attorney) and not mediate their cases.
Shared Physical Custody:
In Shared Physical Custody situations, it is presumed that both parents are involved, to a much greater extent than in a “Sole Custody” situation, in the day-in-and-day-out responsibilities that come with raising a child.
However, Shared Physical Custody does not, necessarily, mean 50/50. It does, however, mean that there is a discernible sharing of parental caretaking duties for the child.
The term “Shared Physical Custody” is not clearly defined in Virginia law in terms of custody and parenting arrangements.
To add to the confusion, when calculating Virginia Child Support Guideline Obligations, there is a special calculation available for situations where a “non-primary custodian” cares for a child 91 or greater days per year. That calculation is called the “Shared Child Support Calculation.” The Virginia Shared Child Support Calculation is able to accommodate various ratios of caretaking duties (e.g. 50/50 custody, 60/40 custody, etc.).
Primary Physical Custody:
The parent who is the “Primary Physical Custodian” is usually the parent who cares for the child greater than 50% of the time.
The term “Primary Physical Custodian,” however, is not well-defined in Virginia law. There are situations where parents have less than a 50/50 custody share (exp. 60/40, 70/30), but where a settlement agreement/Court Order show that the custodial care plan is “Shared Custody” (even though there is, by most standards, a “primary parent”).
Some divorce attorneys are concerned that a judge may allow a parent, who is referred to as the “Primary Custodian,” in the settlement agreement/Court Order, to have more potential influence in possible future battles involving the child (e.g., moving away with the child).
If a parent is referred to in a settlement agreement/Court Order as the “primary custodian,” a school district may defer to that document when determining which school a child should attend. (See previous Blog article: https://fairfaxdivorceblog.com/?s=prince+william )
In certain situations, and if there is no tax planning as part of the parties’ settlement, The IRS automatically awards certain child-related tax benefits to the “Custodial Parent”.The IRS does not use the term “Primary Parent”.The “Custodial Parent,” in terms of tax law, is the parent who cares for the child greater than 50% of the time during that tax year. If the settlement agreement/Court Order conflicts with the actual caretaking schedule, this could present a problem if both parents wish to claim the child as their dependent exemption. This is not a problem, however, if parents insure that the settlement agreement/ Court Order matches their actual caretaking activities and if they make sure that tax planning is a part of their settlement (as it should be). (See previous Blog article https://fairfaxdivorceblog.com/?s=tax+custody )
This blog and its materials have been prepared by Graine Mediation for informational purposes only and are not intended to be, are not, and should not be regarded as, legal advice. This information is not intended to create, and receipt of it does not constitute, an attorney-client relationship. Internet subscribers and online readers should not act upon this information without seeking professional counsel.
If you are engaged in divorce, you may be battling your case in the traditional attorney-run court system. If this is your situation, but you yearn for a more civilized, less expensive method of settling your divorce matters, you can consider Mediation at any time in the process.
I see clients and settle cases at all stages of the separation and divorce process. For example:
Mediation works well in cases where attorneys are never involved;
Mediation works well in cases where attorneys are consulted prior to the mediation, but are not involved in the mediation process;
Mediation works well when attorney services are utilized only for review of the draft Settlement Agreement; and
Mediation works well when clients are deeply involved in litigation, but want to come up for air and try and settle their case in a more orderly, less contentious fashion.
Most clients don’t know that Virginia attorneys are required to advise their clients that there are alternative methods to resolve their disputes outside of litigation. (This mandate is pursuant to the Comment Section of Virginia Supreme Court Rule 1.2.) If your divorce attorney has not advised of you that there are Virginia Supreme Court Mediators ready to assist you with your divorce settlement needs, ask him or her if there is any reason why Mediation, or any other form of Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR), is not appropriate for your circumstances.
Certain situations merit consideration of “taking a break” from litigation. You may wish to consider Mediation if:
Litigation is doing harm to your children.
Litigation is causing emotional turmoil and an inability to focus.
There is a need to feel that all “friendly” avenues were tried before either of you “pull the trigger” in court (and unleash a torrent of bad feelings that may last a lifetime);
You think if would be a good idea to treat the property and debt issues completely separate from the child-related issues.
You and your attorney no longer see eye to eye;
There is one single issue that is holding up the entire settlement;
Your attorney fees feel like the National Debt.
If you think Mediation is the way to go, give Robin Graine, JD, at Graine Mediation, a call: 571-220-1998. If you just want to learn more about Mediation, or if you want to discuss whether Mediation is right for your case, give Graine Mediation a call. Robin would be happy to answer you questions: 571-220-1998.
Posted by Robin Graine, JD, Virginia Supreme Court Certified Mediator
This blog and its materials have been prepared by Graine Mediation for informational purposes only and are not intended to be, are not, and should not be regarded as, legal advice. This information is not intended to create, and receipt of it does not constitute, an attorney-client relationship. Internet subscribers and online readers should not act upon this information without seeking professional counsel.
Divorce affects men and women differently. Men going through divorce are more likely to suffer emotionally. Women are more likely to suffer financially.
Studies find that “men were six times more likely to be depressed following a separation or divorce than men who remained married. That was nearly double the likelihood of divorced or separated women undergoing a similar episode compared to women whose marriages were intact”1. One reason for this seems to be the result of men losing daily contact with their children. Losing daily contact with one’s children is a huge source of anxiety, which can lead to depression. Often times, even in cases where man has only been peripherally involved in the day to day activities during the marriage, losing that daily opportunity for contact with ones children can be overwhelming.
Women, on the other hand, suffer financially. Women are about “three times more likely than men to suffer a substantial loss in household income after their marriage broke down.”2 Studies have reported that women “experience a 73 percent drop in their standard of living during the first year following divorce. Men, on the other hand, often fare better in terms of the financial effects of divorce.”2 According some statistics, men “enjoy a 42 percent rise in standard of living within the first year of divorce.”2 Although most women do receive child support, and in some cases spousal support, it still very expensive to run two households and, in most cases, men seem to fare better in these circumstances. As a result, most divorced women have to find a new means of establishing financial security. This new financial stress and, often times complete upending of a women’s lifestyle (e.g. stay at home mom going back to full time work) can cause extreme anxiety. Divorce is difficult for men and women for different reasons.
When mediating a divorce settlement, good mediators encourage parties to step in each other’s shoes. Thus, when going through mediation, men will do well to think about the serious financial anxiety their soon-to-be-ex-wives are experiencing. Women, on the other hand, would do well to recognize the extreme anxiety their soon-to-be-ex-husbands are dealing with as regards the children.
This blog and its materials have been prepared by Graine Mediation for informational purposes only and are not intended to be, are not, and should not be regarded as, legal advice. This information is not intended to create, and receipt of it does not constitute, an attorney-client relationship. Internet subscribers and online readers should not act upon this information without seeking professional counsel.
Monster.com and indeed.com are popular websites used to find employment, research jobs, and make career related connections. Monster.com is a more robust site than indeed.com, but that doesn’t mean that it is necessarily better for all job seekers. Monster.com receives much more traffic than indeed.com and has more job listings. Both offer jobs that are primarily “office jobs”, such as administrative/clerical, business related fields, and sales/ marketing. Monster.com however, is used significantly more than indeed by people who have graduate degrees. Indeed.com appears to be used more by people without a college degree and people with undergraduate only.
Searching for a job on both websites provides different experiences. Indeed.com gives a much more in-depth description of the job, including duties, qualifications, benefits, all on different tabs, as well as a link to the company website. Indeed.com also provides step-by-step instructions about how to apply for the job. Monster.com, on the other hand, provides only brief job descriptions, qualifications, and an excerpt from the company who is offering the job. Monster.com also has a link to the company website.
Both websites are great tools to find out what types of jobs are being offered — where the needs are. Job seekers may prefer indeed.com because of the organized layout of the website. Indeed.com is useful for those looking for jobs and are not sure what to expect. The details provided by indeed.com are in-depth. Indeed.com could be great website to be used by someone re-entering the working world after years of not working. Those reinterring the working world after a divorce may find indeed.com especially useful with the clarity it provides and the manner in which indeed.com makes it very clear what is expected of the applicant. On the other hand, if the jobseeker has a higher level of education and has a well-established resume, moster.com may be the appropriate choice. Also job seekers may prefer monster.com for its straightforward approach by keeping descriptions short and only providing the most important information.
Posted by Jessica Wilds, Graine Mediation Intern
This blog and its materials have been prepared by Graine Mediation for informational purposes only and are not intended to be, are not, and should not be regarded as, legal advice. This information is not intended to create, and receipt of it does not constitute, an attorney-client relationship. Internet subscribers and online readers should not act upon this information without seeking professional counsel.
Lost your job? Unexpected HIGH expense? Unless you have a good nest egg put away for a rainy day, you might be scrambling for funds to cover unexpected expenses, and your IRA might be a place to look for that needed cash.
Are you aware that funds withdrawn from an IRA are taxable, and if you are under 59-1/2, you will pay a federal penalty of 10% and possibly a state penalty too?
Withdrawing funds early from your IRA will affect your standard of living when you retire. We hope that you never have to do that, but if you do, here are a few ways to beat the early-withdrawal penalty. (Of course, you still need to deal with the IRS and income taxes – no way to get around that)
· Annuitize: Under IRC Sec. 72(t) you can avoid penalties by taking a series of substantially equal periodic payments until you are 59-1/2 (but not less than five years). To estimate how much you can withdraw each year, use the 72(t) calculator at Bankrate.com (See::http://www.bankrate.com/calculators/retirement/72-t-distribution-calculator.aspx
· Buy a Home: If you have been renting, had alternative living arrangements, and have not owned a home for at least two years, you can withdraw up to $10,000 to buy a house in your name or in the name of a spouse, child or grandchild.
· Pay for Education: You can go back to school, or withdraw funds for college tuition and related expenses (books, materials, fees) for your spouse, children or grandchildren. Be aware that certain income limits apply.
· Cover Medical Expenses: If your medical expenses (for you, your spouse or dependant) exceeds 75% of your income, you can withdraw from your IRA penalty-free.
· Pay Medical Insurance Premiums:If you have been unemployed for at least twelve (12) weeks, and receive unemployment compensation, you are eligible to withdraw funds to pay for your medical insurance premiums.
· Pay Back Taxes to the IRS:If the IRS has placed a levy against your IRA, you can withdraw funds to pay the back taxes.
· Disability:If you are “totally and permanently disabled” by IRS definition, you can take distributions from your IRA without penalty.
· Death: Did you know that when you die, your beneficiaries must begin taking distributions from your IRA, and there will be no penalty to them.
This blog is written based on my observations and experience. I am and not a CPA, tax planner or tax attorney. I am a mediator and former family law attorney. All data and information provided on this site is for informational purposes only. wpthemesplugin.com makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information on this site and will not be liable for any errors, omissions, or delays in this information or any losses, injuries, or damages arising from its display or use. All information is provided on an as-is basis.
There can be good news a about divorce! Did you know that if your marriage lasted at least ten years, you can claim social security benefits on the entire earnings history of your ex-spouse?
Here are a few important qualifiers you need know:
You must be unmarried. If you remarry, you cannot collect benefits on your former spouse’s record until your later marriage ends (whether by death, divorce or annulment).
You must be 62 years old or older.
Your ex-spouse must, him or herself, be entitled to Social Security retirement or disability benefits.
Your own personal social security benefit, based on your own work, must be less than the benefit you would receive based on your ex-spouse’s work.
It’s an either-or situation – you’ll get your own Social Security benefits, or one-half of your ex-spouses benefits (“derivative benefits”), whichever is greater. Of course, the amount of benefits you get has no effect on the amount of benefits your ex-spouse or their current spouse may receive. (Their benefits are not reduced because you get ½ of your ex-spouse’s benefits!)
How you ask? Below are a few answers to questions you may have:
1. How many ex-spouse’s can claim derivative benefits? As many ex’s as there are, as long as each marriage lasted 10 years. Mickey Rooney’s seven ex-wives got left out since none of the marriages lasted more than 10 years, but three of Johnny Carson’s marriages lasted over 10 years and all his ex’s were eligible for benefits.
2. If my ex-spouse dies, do my derivative benefits end? This has good news and bad news. The bad news: If he/she dies, the derivative benefit ends. The good news is that now you can collect survivor benefits, which are 100% of his benefits, not just 50%.
3. Can I receive both public employee benefits and social security? Under the Windfall Elimination Provision (WEP), benefits received from a non-Social Security covered job (teacher or other civil service job) may cause Social Security benefits to be reduced by several hundred dollars. The Government Pension Offset (GPO) applies to derivative benefits, which will be reduced by 2/3 of the pension benefits received by an employee from a job not covered by social security. (This is where you really need to talk with a knowledgeable representative at the Social Security Administration.)
4. Can I receive benefits on my ex-spouse if he/she has not yet filed for benefits?
If your ex-spouse has not applied for retirement benefits, but can qualify for them, you can receive benefits on his or her record if you have been divorced for at least two years.
As in any case where government benefits are involved, these rules are subject to change. So, when you are ready to claim social security benefits, be sure to let the Social Security Administration know that you were married for more than ten years, and be prepared to furnish your ex-spouse’s full name and social security number.
The Social Security Administration will be able to calculate what benefits will give you the highest monthly payment, and will recalculate those benefits if your ex-spouse dies while you are collecting benefits.
For more information visit the page “If You Are Divorced” at the Social Security Administration’s website.
All data and information provided on this site is for informational purposes only. Graine Mediation and its owner, Robin Graine, make no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information on this site and will not be liable for any errors, omissions, or delays in this information or any losses, injuries, or damages arising from its display or use. All information is provided on an as-is basis.
Liar, liar pants on . . . pants off? Just how much cheating is going on these days in the United States? I have seen statistics everywhere from 25-60% of married individuals having engaged in or being immersed in a life rife with extramarital affairs. The statistics are all over the board because, of course, not everyone raises their hand when asked if they “did it” with someone other than their spouse. Even at 25%, though, this is a big number. Having spent years in the divorce business, though, I’m not surprised. I can tell you from experience that I could play country music in my office lobby and at least half my clients would feel that they were singing about them!
Who are these cheaters and what factors lead to this disruptive act? Many experts believe it is not so much the individual’s character but is, instead, a natural instinct. For men, it makes biological sense. For women, I’m not so sure, but who knows? Most experts say, for the philandering-woman, she sleeps with other men because she is looking for “emotional” support where there is none at home. When it gets right down to it, though, men also play around to get attention when their wives are too busy with all of the details of life and work and mommy-ing to give the attention and affection those men need. Everyone seems to be looking for love – in all the wrong places!
Many experts believe that the only reason the statistics aren’t higher is because some married individuals are simply never presented with the opportunity to cheat! Some of the factors inhibiting the animal in all of us are:
• how much free time you have out of the sight of your spouse;
• the number of members of the opposite sex that you run into each day;
• your bond to your spouse (that’s the best one),
• whether you have a vast wealth of moral character; and
• where you fit in on the scale of ugliness and charm!
Photo Taken by Lars T Schlereth
If you are thinking about “putting your boots under the wrong bed”, get a divorce first. Otherwise, you are will end up being the “bad guy” or “bad girl” even if your heart felt it had no choice. Talk with your spouse. Get some therapy. Or, suffer the consequences. Divorce is tough and no divorce is tougher than when adultery is the big angry elephant in the room.
With the tough current ecomonic times, many couples who are planning for a divorce are making the choice to remain under the same roof, in the marital residence, during their legally-mandated period of pre-divorce separation. This is probably not what the Virginia legislature intended when they wrote the law about living “separate and apart” before divorce, but this is where we are at in these shaky financial times and the courts have found themselves having to creatively define what “separate and apart” means.
In Virginia, the law states that, before being granted a no-fault divorce, parties must“live separate and apart, without cohabitation and without interruption, for one year”. If there are no minor children, and if the parties have a written and signed settlement agreement, their period of living separate and apart is just six months.
The reason for the one-year separation rule is public policy: The state wants married couples with children to be absolutely sure that divorce is what is best for their family. In order to determine that, the legislature has forced families to go through all of the holidays, birthdays, seasons, etc. before they are even allowed to make that final decision to divorce. Living under the same roof does not truly meet those public policy mandates, but if that is what you plan on doing (and many peope do, these days), here are some guidelines that may help you in determining how to live separate and apart while under the same roof:
One spouse should deliver a formal letter to the other stating the intention to live separate and apart as of a certain date.*
To establish separate households, you should not engage in the following activites:
Sexual Relations
Sharing of Food (keep food separate in pantry and refrigerator)
Sharing a Room
Shopping and Cooking for each other
Cleaning Up or doing each other’s Laundry
Giving Gifts to each other
Attending (arriving at) Social or Family Functions Together
Holding Yourselves Out as a Married Couple
Spouses should separate and secure Computer, Phones and Email Accounts*
Spouses should consider dividing Bank Accounts (close joint accounts)*
Spouses should consider paying off and closing Joint Credit Cards*
Spouses need to Agree On Division Of:
Household Expenses
Household Duties
Living Arrangements
Childcare
Other tips:
Let others know you are separated
Choose a friend of famly member, who visits frequently, as your independent witness. In Virginia, you will need someone to testify as to your living separate and apart.
Be prepared to explain, in a way that is comfortable for you, the reasons for living separately in the same residence to your family, friends, neighbors and children.
*These are bold pre-divorce financial moves that should not be attempted without the advice of legal counsel.
This article is not intended to take the place for legal advice from an attorney. This blog is for informaitonal purposes only and is not legal advice.
Source: From Virginia State Bar, Family Law News – Fall 2010 (Vol.30 No.3) with personalized comments and suggestions by the blogger, Robin Graine
Posted by Graine Mediation 
Fairfax VA Divorce Mediator 