relationship problems | Fairfax VA Divorce Mediator

Signs Your Marriage is in Big Trouble

March 16, 2017

Through my divorce mediation practice, I have witnessed many things that signal big trouble or the end of a marriage, other than the typical affair. When you work with married couples every day, you see the same disturbed relationship and communication patterns over and over again. Marriages die on the vine as a result.

Here are some of the key signs of a marriage on its way out:

When you no longer truly care whether or not you’re making your spouse happy. When we get married, most of us find great joy in making our significant other happy. In fact, it’s generally one of our primary goals. When that desire is no longer there, most likely, neither is the love that brought you together.

Complete exhaustion dealing with your spouse when your relationships with other people seems so easy. Do you find that even the thought of having a conversation with your spouse is exhausting? Sure, you dealt with 15 issues at work today with no problem. But, the thought of discussing who will run to the grocery store with your spouse seems daunting.

Feeling anxiety or impending doom when you’re headed home from work to see your spouse. After a long, stressful day at work you just want to go home and seek reprieve. However, instead of looking forward to being comforted by your spouse’s embrace, the thought of that actually increases your anxiety and you dread dealing with them both physically and emotionally.

Dread going to social events with your spouse. Your close friend or relative is getting married and as much as you’re looking forward to the blessed event, you are dreading having to go and spend hours of time looking “happy” with your spouse. You’d rather go alone or stay home than put up a front.

Finding excuses to stay away from home when you know your spouse will be there. When you know your spouse is at home, you suddenly come up with numerous errands to run and things you need to do that are anywhere but….home.

Simple communication becomes nearly impossible. Communication is key in any relationship. Chances are you didn’t make it to the alter if you didn’t have some semblance of decent communication with your spouse. However, you are now at a point where the two of you can’t say “good morning” without getting into a fight. Maybe you are feeling stonewalled, shut down, and not given the opportunity to express your view. Maybe one of you is using angry words that instantly puts the other on the defense. There are innumerable communication pits people can fall into. But, if you find yourself in one and don’t do anything about it to get back on track, it can be the beginning of the end.

You come at issues from opposing sides instead of working as a team. Working as a team is essential in a marriage. That’s one of the main reasons to get married; to “do life” with a partner. At some point in the marriage, a couple may find themselves pitted against each other and coming at what were once mutual goals, from opposing sides. They may be viewing the other as a competitor instead of a partner.

Irretrievable resentment towards your spouse. Resentment is something that grows over time. It grows slowly, but once it’s established, it is very difficult to eradicate. It’s so important to communicate to your spouse things you are having an issue with before it gets to this point. Additionally, once negative, resentful things are said to your spouse, it is almost impossible for him or her to erase those hurtful things from their mind, causing even more resentment.

By Erin J. Koffman, Attorney & Virginia Supreme Court Certified Mediator

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Posted by Graine Mediation

The 3 A’s of Avoiding Divorce

August 18, 2015

As a certified divorce mediator and a former divorce attorney, I’ve worked with hundreds of couples over 13 years in family law who were filing for divorce. Here’s what I hear from clients — over and over again – as the key reasons for the break-up of their marriage. I call them the 3 A’s:

Lack of Affection. Though cliché, it’s true: When baby makes three, both parents are often consumed with showering their new baby with the most affection possible. As the child grows, couples forget to smooch their spouses, too.

Lack of Attention. Couples often feel ignored in their roles as spouses, parents and, often times, human beings! It’s no secret that jobs, child-rearing, in-laws, financial worries and responsibilities of running a home eat up your time and energy. If you want to save your marriage, though, start by giving your spouse the focus that or she deserves and needs. Be intuitive, remember what your husband or wife needed back when you were dating, and try and give him or her that level of attention that you, too, need in order to feel secure in your relationship.

Lack of Appreciation. This is perhaps the biggest contributing factor in the divorcing clients that I work with — I hear it, in one form or another, from every set of mediation clients that I encounter. In many cases, women feel they do the lion’s share of the homemaking. When the kids were born, they changed around their priorities. The husbands, or so I hear, didn’t change their everyday lives quite as drastically as did the wives. The husbands, often times, feel that they are not appreciated for their financial contributions and the actual time that they do spend with the children. Each resents the other for longer hours put in at work and chores, and forgets to thank the other partner for keeping the family enterprise afloat. One thing that helps? Parents need to divide and conquer the mundane tasks of everyday life. If mom is best at details, let her do the details: whether it’s party-planning or setting up that 509 for Junior. But dad needs to do the other stuff, like preparing taxes or working with the kitchen contractor. The key is quite simple: Work hard at appreciating what the other is doing and know that 50/50 is not always a practical goal to attain depending on each others’ personalities and priorities.

This blog and its materials have been prepared by Graine Mediation for informational purposes only and are not intended to be, are not, and should not be regarded as, legal advice. This information is not intended to create, and receipt of it does not constitute, an attorney-client relationship. Internet subscribers and online readers should not act upon this information without seeking professional counsel.