How to Exercise Your Way Through A Breakup

June 18, 2015

Going through a breakup is one of the most universal pains in this world. We have all been there, we have all dealt with it, and the good news is, we’re all still here. There’s a myriad of ways to get past the pain, but one of the most constructive is exercising. It can be a reason to get out of bed, a new motivation in life (even if that motivation is “Look as good as possible in case I see my ex again”), and one of the healthiest ways to move on.

Not only does exercise release endorphins, the “feel-good” neurotransmitters in your brain, but it can increase self-confidence and act as a form of meditation and reflection. So what kind of workout should you do? Well, it depends on where in the breakup you are.

For when you’re depressed and can’t get your mind to stop replaying it over and over:

Bicycling: Biking is not only fantastic, full-body exercise, but it demands your complete attention. You have to watch for potholes, whizzing cars, kids kicking their soccer balls into the street, and drivers opening their door into your lane at all times. This is not the time for, “Oh, if only I had said or done that…” because that distraction can get you into an accident. Your survival instincts will kick in, keep you focused on the road, and keep you from going down that destructive thought path of “What if…” Plus, biking has the added benefit of getting you fresh air and reminding you that there is a whole world out there, still revolving.

Yoga: Yoga is about being present and mindful. No matter what type of yoga you’re into, you can practice mindfulness. That can mean paying particular attention to your breath and your body’s alignment in various poses. It can also mean recognizing the derailing breakup thoughts, but letting them float past you. Unless you’re already an expert yogi, this can be a difficult thing to start. However, if you stick with it, you may find a peace and center that you were otherwise missing in this tumultuous time. This article can help you get started.

For when you’re so angry you just want to punch your ex:

Kickboxing: Literally go punch something! Many gyms offer these high-intensity classes which lets you sweat and punch and kick your aggression out, all while burning 300-600 calories per class. Don’t limit yourself to just American kickboxing classes, though. Lots of martial arts (like Muay Thai and Karate) have similar benefits of engaging cardio, discipline, and letting you work out your anger.

Running: Whether it’s on a treadmill or the sidewalk, there’s something immensely satisfying about slapping one foot down in front of the other as you run. Feeling particularly ragey? Throw in some sprints! Now is a great time to listen to some raucous and rocking tunes. Check out this list of 50 fast and empowering breakup songs for some playlist inspiration.

For when you’re starting to see the light on the other side:

Weight training: If you’ve gotten this far into your breakup, you may even be thinking about the possibility of someday dating again (yes, this will happen!). Lifting weights can help give you the confidence you’ll need to put on your perfect first date outfit–or give you the excuse to go shopping for a new one! Weight training is a great way to slim down and tone up. For women who are worried about “getting bulky,” just know that building muscle can help you burn fat all day long, whereas cardio only burns while you’re doing it. You won’t bulk up unless you specifically want to, which is why some men may want to look into their daily macros and supplements while they lift.

Group sports: Your city is probably teeming with recreational sports leagues for all different skill and interest levels. Just search “rec leagues + your city” or “intramural sports + your city” and dozens will pop up! It can be as active as flag-football or as goofy as cornhole. Leagues are great for meeting new people who already share a common interest, getting you out of the house and socializing again, all while still being active and healthy. Now, those happy hours your league sponsors probably aren’t all that healthy, but they sure are fun!

Woman walking cross country and trail in spring forest
Do none of these sound right for you? Well, good news–there are hundreds of ways to exercise the breakup blues away. Talk to friends for their recommendations, or just go for a long walk. It really is possible to heal your heart by starting with your body. The rest will follow.

Written by Jane Baber, Mediation Assistant

This blog and its materials have been prepared by Graine Mediation for informational purposes only and are not intended to be, are not, and should not be regarded as, legal advice.  This information is not intended to create, and receipt of it does not constitute, an attorney-client relationship.  Internet subscribers and online readers should not act upon this information without seeking professional counsel.

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Alone Doesn’t Mean Lonely

September 24, 2013

women-laughing

In an interview with author Eric Klinenberg in Smithsonian Magazine, he answers questions relating to the research and writing of his book Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone. It’s primarily sociological, anthropological, and statistical analyses, but it can reveal something very personal and give hope to those striking out on their own.

While Klinenberg cites several reasons for the rise in single-living, a germane one to this conversation is that it’s no longer economically necessary for women to marry (or stay married). Salary equality is slowly becoming attainable, and the idea of being supported by a man is as antiquated as the notion that every woman wants to be a housewife. While there are plenty of concerns in getting divorced, don’t let the “will I be lonely?” one keep you from moving forward.

“In fact, people who live alone tend to spend more time socializing with friends and neighbors than people who are married. So one thing I learned is that living alone is not an entirely solitary experience. It’s generally a quite social one,” Klinenberg states. It’s more common to find single-person households in large cities because of the social opportunities inherent within. If your friends, work, and activities are all within a commutable area, it makes it much easier to find yourself out of your house and into your social life. Sometimes this might mean staying in your current location where you already have a support network, but if you do not, consider moving to an urban environment where living alone is more prevalent.

When you’re in an urban area, the opportunities for a single person seem to be much greater. There is a wealth of solo activities, such as world class museums, parks, and recreational classes. Your options for finding a salsa partner (and even learning how to dance the salsa!) are much better in a city than out in a rural environment. But if you’re content living more removed from society, don’t fret. The rise in technology means that it’s easier than ever to keep in touch with families and friends. Consider setting Skype dates with a best friend so you have a special time together to look forward to.

Just remember: the end of your marriage does not mean the end of your social life. You are still fabulous as a single.

Posted by Jane Baber, Mediation Assistant

This blog and its materials have been prepared by Graine Mediation for informational purposes only and are not intended to be, are not, and should not be regarded as, legal advice.  This information is not intended to create, and receipt of it does not constitute, an attorney-client relationship.  Internet subscribers and online readers should not act upon this information without seeking professional counsel.


Are You Ready to be Vulnerable?

August 27, 2013
You are now single, or are considering becoming a single person.  At its best, this time of transition is an opportunity for change.  It is a time to become the person you have always wanted to be. Why not?  It makes no sense to get divorced and then be more miserable than you were in your marriage.
Most mental heath experts, psychologists and social workers agree that the single most important factor that supports a happy life is connection to other people.  That does not, necessarily, mean a spouse.  It means people–groups, individuals, friends, family, workmates, neighbors, etc.  Dr. Brené Brown, a social worker of great renown, gives a wonderful TedTalk on this subject.
 Dr. Brown spent many years studying “the happy” and “the unhappy”.  The core difference, she found, was their comfort level with vulnerability.  To be happy is to be comfortable with one’s vulnerability, it seems.  To be vulnerable is to be human.  The more you are comfortable with your humanity, the more people want to be connected to you; and the more you are comfortable being connected with them.
Watch Dr. Brown’s TedTalk below. I hope that it inspires you as it has me.

Divorce & Taxes Series: Part 1

September 7, 2011

The thought of taxes is stressful enough, let alone when divorce becomes a factor.  To help you sort through this wildly misunderstood area of divorce financial planning, I will be posting several “Tax Snippets” over the next several days.

These Tax Snippets are written based on my observations and experience.  I am and not a CPA, tax planner or tax attorney.  I am a mediator and former family law attorney.  These are, however, some of the key issues that I see over and over again with my clients.  This series of articles is intended to help you “get your feet wet” in this mucky area of divorce.  If you think any of these issues might affect you, see your tax professional for up-to-the-minute and personally tailored tax advice.

Tax Snippet #1 – Filing Status Your filing status is a defining factor in determining your tax bracket.  Tax status is dependent on (1) your marital status, and (2) your parenting arrangements (if you have dependent children).  The choices are, in order of preference for most people (i.e., greatest tax advantages):

  • Married Filing Jointly
  • Head of Household (see “Tax Snippet #4)
  • Single
  • Married Filing Separately

Determining – and often times actively choosing — your tax status is very important.  The percentage of tax that you pay to Uncle Sam on your Adjusted Gross Income1 — 10 to 35% (with some exceptions) — is determined by your tax bracket.

Your tax status is determined on December 31st of that tax year.  Period.  It has nothing to do with April 15 or any other factors.  In other words, if you are divorced on or before December 31, you only have the tax status choices that single people have (single, head of household).  You lose the tax advantages that “married filing jointly” might offer for that tax year.

Don’t panic, though, if you are still married on December 31, but your spouse refuses to file with you or, on the other hand, if you decide that you don’t want to file with him/her for your own reasons.  If you are the main residential caretaker of your child(ren), there may be a less expensive way to present yourself to the IRS than as a “married filing separate” or “single”.  The IRS calls this “Head of Household” status.

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1Definition of Adjusted Gross Income (AGI): Your AGI is your gross, or total, income from taxable sources minus certain deductions.  Income includes salary and other employment income, interest and dividends, and long- and short-term capital gains and losses.  Deductions include some unreimbursed business and medical expenses, contributions to a deductible individual retirement account (IRA), and alimony you pay.  Your AGI serves as the basis for calculating the income tax you owe.  (See page one of your federal tax return.) Your AGI is then used to establish your eligibility for certain tax or financial benefits, such as deduction of your IRA contribution or qualifying tax credits (such as the child tax credit and the earned income credit).

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Tax Snippet #2 – Tax Advantages for Parents Lots of divorcing people get confused when it comes to the tax benefits of having children.  That is because, when they were married and raising children under the same roof, the tax benefits allowed were clear.  Upon divorce, however, the rules get very confusing.  Some of the key tax benefits of having children become “negotiable” upon divorce.  It is important for you and your soon-to-be-ex to figure out how your tax reality and your parenting arrangements relate to and affect on another.  Here are the key points to consider:

(1) The Dependent Child Exemption (a deduction):  Every member of a household potentially counts toward a tax-deductible exemption on the family tax return.  In 2011, each exemption will equate to a $3,700 deduction.  So, if you are single and claim the exemptions for 2 kids, you have 3 exemptions totaling $11,100 in deductions.  Whether or not you may claim your child(ren) as a dependent for purposes of utilizing the exemption is a point of negotiation in divorce settlements.  The primary residence of the child(ren) does not necessarily have to determine who can claim the child(ren) on their federal tax returns and custodial parents can give away the right to claim the child(ren) as dependents by completing IRS Form 8332.  (See your CPA for up-to-the-minute details.)

(2) Other IRS Benefits to Parent Claiming Dependent Exemption(s):  The party who claims the child(ren) as a dependent on his/her tax return (whether by default or pursuant to agreement and the completion of IRS Form 8332) is also the only parent eligible for other IRS benefits including, but not limited to:

  • The Child Tax Credit:  $1,000 per child, under the age of 17, with gradually reduced phase-outs that start at the following income levels:   $55,000 for married couples filing separately, $75,000 for single and head of household filers and $110,000 for married couples filing jointly.  In the phase-out range, the child tax credit is reduced by $50 for each $1,000 of income above these threshold amounts.
  • Certain College and Educational Credits: In 2010, there were two tax credits that apply to education: The American Opportunity Credit (which replaced the Hope Credit) and the Lifetime Learning Credit.  The American Opportunity Credit is worth up to $2,500 for each qualifying student, and is available during the first four years of postsecondary education.  The credit is phased out for taxpayers with adjusted gross incomes (taxable income “AGI” ) starting at $60,000 for single filers and $120,000 for joint filers.  The Lifetime Learning Credit is 20% of the first $10,000 you paid for qualifying tuition and related expenses each year.  The maximum credit for 2010 was $2,000.  Unlike the American Opportunity Credit, there is no limit on the number of years that this credit can be claimed; however, it is subject to the same AGI income phase rules as the American Opportunity Credit.

(3) Tax Benefits to the Primary Custodian (only!), regardless of who claims the exemption(s):

  • The Child & Dependent Care Deduction: If you paid someone to care for a child or a dependent so you could work, you may be able to reduce your federal income tax by claiming the Credit for Child and Dependent Care expenses on your tax return.  This Credit is available to people who, in order to work or to look for work, have to pay for child care services for dependents under age 13.  The Credit is also available if you paid for the care of a spouse or a dependent of any age who is physically or mentally incapable of self-care.  This federal tax credit can be worth up to 20-35% percent of the cost of day care (depending on your Adjusted Gross Income).
  • The Exclusion for Dependent Care Benefits: If your employer provides dependent care benefits on a qualified plan, you may be able to exclude those benefits from your taxable income.
  • The Earned Income Credit: This is a refundable tax credit that is given to qualified, modest-income taxpayers who have at least one child living at home.  The credit begins to phase out at $21,420 for married taxpayers filing a joint return with children and completely phases out at $40,463 for one child, $45,295 for two children and $48,279 for three or more children.  For married taxpayers filing a joint return with no children, the credit begins to phase out at $12,470 and completely phases out at $18,440.
  • Right to File as “Head of Household”: Filing taxes as “Head of Household” is also wholly dependent on which parent is considered the “primary custodian”, and IRS Form 8332 has no affect on this privilege.  (See Tax Snippet # 4)

The thought of taxes is stressful enough, let alone when divorce becomes a factor.  To help you sort through this wildly misunderstood area of divorce financial planning, I will be posting several “Tax Snippets” over the next several days.

These Tax Snippets are written based on my observations and experience.  I am and not a CPA, tax planner or tax attorney.  I am a mediator and former family law attorney. These are, however,  some of the key issues that I see over and over again with my clients.  This series of articles is intended to help you “get your feet wet” in this mucky area of divorce.  If you think any of these issues might affect you, see your tax professional for up-to-the-minute and personally-tailored tax advice.

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