What You Need to Know About Divorce Mediation

March 4, 2015

This 1-1/2 minute video will give you the basic information you need to get started in divorce mediation.  Take a look and share it with a friend who is thinking about divorce. Mediation with a lawyer-mediator is truly the sensible alternative to divorce litigation.

Why Adult ADHD is Bad For Marriage (And What You Can Do About It)

March 3, 2015

Attention Deficit [Hyperactivity] Disorder—ADD and ADHD—is an issue that affects people of all ages, not just school-aged children. When it is undiagnosed in an adult, it can lead to relationship and marital strife. Often, an undiagnosed adult will seem flakey, unreliable, and forgetful, causing the non-ADHD partner to slowly build resentment toward the other, and become the “nagging” presence in a relationship.adult_compressed

“Chronic distraction is one of the hallmarks of ADHD, and it results in numerous behaviors that are just plain bad for your relationship: not paying attention to your partner; not focusing on chores long enough to get them done; not remembering things you committed to or that are important to the couple, and more. The result is that the ADHD partner who is not actively managing ADHD symptoms is an unreliable mate,”[1] Melissa Orlov writes in her blog series about adult ADHD for Psychology Today. Orlov is an expert in the field, having released two books on the subject: The ADHD Effect on Marriage” and “The Couple’s Guide to Thriving With ADHD.”

            Orlov explains why it can take so long for these issues to creep up in a relationship. In the beginning of a relationship, both partners are being bombarded internally by dopamine, which increases one’s ability to hyper-focus on the other person. Those dopamine levels are the source of the infatuation phase of a relationship. “But the raised levels of dopamine wear off,” she writes, “Often somewhere around 20-24 months into the relationship, leaving the ADHD partner with the lower-than-normal levels of dopamine and other neurotransmitters that typify ADHD.”

This sudden drop in dopamine can make the non-ADHD partner feel like the other person has changed into someone who is inattentive and uncaring. This can often spell disaster for the relationship.

“As long as the ADHD remains untreated or undertreated, these patterns can leave both partners unhappy, lonely, and feeling overwhelmed by their relationship,” Orlov writes. However, if a diagnosis is sought, both partners can better understand the cause of their relationship turmoil. The person with ADHD can manage it with medication and other coping mechanisms suggested by a doctor, and the non-ADHD partner can grow to understand that the behaviors they once saw as proof of indifference are actually symptoms of a manageable mental health issue.

Naturally, the mere diagnosis of ADHD will not cure a relationship of issues; it is not a magic fix. Depending on the state of the relationship, marriage counseling can be helpful in unpacking any problems that have built up. The non-ADHD partner may need help in letting go of resentments against the other. Orlov suggests moving forward after a diagnosis of ADHD using these steps:

  1. Diagnosis and treatment
  2. Accepting that ADHD has a huge impact in your relationship, and
  3. Learning (and implementing!) specific tactics that work for couples with ADHD[2]

Adult ADHD does not need to be a divorce sentence for a relationship. There are plenty of ways to cope and work with the other person, if both are willing to put in the time and effort. If any of this sounds just a bit too familiar, please take the time to get tested (or encourage your partner to be tested) for ADHD. It may not be your—or their—fault after all. Ignoring the issue, however, would be.

Posted by Jane Baber, Mediation Assistant

This blog and its materials have been prepared by Graine Mediation for informational purposes only and are not intended to be, are not, and should not be regarded as, legal advice.  This information is not intended to create, and receipt of it does not constitute, an attorney-client relationship.  Internet subscribers and online readers should not act upon this information without seeking professional counsel.

[1] https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/may-i-have-your-attention/201010/adhd-isn-t-just-kids-adults-feel-big-impact-in-marriage

[2] https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/may-i-have-your-attention/201309/adhd-doesnt-cause-divorce-denial-does



When Should Married Couples Check ‘Married, Filing Separately’?

March 1, 2015

Graine Mediation is pleased to introduce Julian Block, JD as our guest blogger this week.  Mr. Block is a leading authority on tax planning for divorce and the author of Julian Block’s Tax Tips for Divorce, from which this article is an excerpt.


Married couples need no reminder that they can benefit from joint filing when one mate earns all or considerably more of the income than the other. That tax break, though, can become a trap for spouses who decide to split, but don’t obtain a divorce or a legal separation. They still have the option to file jointly, assum­ing both partners are willing to do so. Nevertheless, one or both might find it more advantageous to file separately. The financial implications are huge.

Among other drawbacks for joint filers: they’re jointly and severally liable. That means married persons remain on the hook even if their marriage breaks up after they file a joint return. So if the IRS audits their return and demands extra taxes, it can dun either mate for the entire amount of any additional taxes, penalties and interest that becomes due.

Nevertheless, there are some drawbacks to filing separately. Whatever a couple’s reasons for avoiding tax togetherness, the two of them may be in for an unpleasant and expensive surprise when filing time rolls around. The taxes they’ll pay as married persons filing separately can be considerably more than the taxes they’d owe as joint filers or even as two unmarried persons.

There are other drawbacks for married persons who choose to file separately. One is that both of them must use Schedule A of Form 1040 to itemize their deductions for charitable donations and the like or that both must use the standard deduction.

Special rules for married persons living apart. Fortunately, there’s a way out of these traps for many married persons. An often overlooked break entitles them to be treated as if they were unmarried for the year in question—provided they fulfill certain requirements. The result: Even though they aren’t divorced or legally separated, they’re excused from having to use the rates for a married individual filing separately and, instead, receive the benefit of the more favorable rates for a head of household.

To take advantage of head of household rates, you have to pass a four-step test.

  •  Step 1: You file a separate return from your spouse.
  •  Step 2: Your spouse didn’t live with you at any time during the last six months of 2014. You and your spouse must live in separate residences, warns the IRS, and the courts agree. The Tax Court has ruled that a hus­band failed to qualify as a head of household when he and his wife agreed to live in separate areas of the same residence. Thus, living apart under one roof doesn’t pass muster.

In another dispute, the court reminded Laurel Hopkins that sharing the same quarters for as little as one day during the last six months of the year can be fatal. Before more than six months had elapsed during the year at issue, Laurel and her husband, William, had ceased to live together; but during the balance of the year, she sometimes let William stay overnight be­cause he was unable to find a dwelling.

As she paid all the household bills and was the sole support of their two children, Laurel, not unrea­sonably, believed herself entitled to file as a head of household. Unfortunately, in the course of a subse­quent IRS audit, Laurel let slip that William sometimes stayed in her apartment. On the basis of that admission, the feds determined that Laurel’s proper filing status was that of a married person filing separately. Though sympathetic to Laurel’s predicament, the Tax Court agreed with the IRS that a wife who shelters a homeless husband at any time during the last six months of the year disqualifies herself for head of household status.

 To avoid getting caught in an audit trap like Laurel, don’t chat yourself into loss of a tax break. Confine your answers to the questions raised.

  •  Step 3: You paid more than half of the cost of keeping up your home for 2014.
  •  Step 4: Your home was, for more than half of 2014, the principal residence of your child, stepchild or adopted child, whom you can claim as a dependent.

You aren’t necessarily disqualified from filing as a head of household just because you’re unable to claim the child. As the parent with custody—the mother, in most cases—you continue to be eligible, if you sign IRS Form 8332, which allows the 2014 exemption to be claimed by your spouse, the parent without custody.

When couples live apart by mutual agreement, they might be able to work out an arrangement whereby each spouse can claim a dependent child and each qualifies as a head of household. Congress enacted this special provision that treats married persons as unmarried individuals primarily for the benefit of abandoned wives (or husbands). But it worded the provision broadly enough to cover couples who have separated and who live apart by mutual agreement—without any actual abandonment.

Julian Block writes and practices law in Larchmont, N.Y. and was formerly with the IRS as a special agent (criminal investigator) and an attorney. He is frequently quoted in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, and the Washington Post, and has been cited as: “a leading tax professional” (New York Times); “an accomplished writer on taxes” (Wall Street Journal); and “an authority on tax planning” (Financial Planning Magazine). This article is excerpted from “Julian Block’s Tax Tips for Marriage and Divorce,” available as a Kindle at Amazon.com and as a print copy at julianblocktaxexpert.com. Law professor James E. Maule, a professor at Villanova University School of Law and Graduate Tax Program, praised the book as “An easy-to-read and well-organized explanation of the tax rules.” The National Association of Personal Financial Advisers says it is “A terrific reference.”

This blog and its materials have been prepared by Graine Mediation for informational purposes only and are not intended to be, are not, and should not be regarded as, legal advice.  This information is not intended to create, and receipt of it does not constitute, an attorney-client relationship.  Internet subscribers and online readers should not act upon this information without seeking professional counsel.

%d bloggers like this: